My wife likes movies with big explosions. And boy, am I glad.?
It's not because I like big, pyrotechnic-heavy movies myself (though I kinda do). It's not because I'm allergic to chick flicks (because I watch enough of them on the job, thank you very much). It's because our marriage may be healthier because my wife likes The Avengers more than The Notebook.
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Hey, I have nothing against romance. I have nothing against romances. But it didn't surprise me at all to learn that we often take our cues on what constitutes romance and love from the movies and television shows we watch?and that can be a mistake.
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According to research out of Albion College, folks who believe that the romantic relationships on television are accurate tend to have more problems in their own real-life relationships. Jeremy Osborn, Albion's research director, said:
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The rate of marriage failure in the U.S. is not dropping, and it is important for people to have a sense of what factors are leading to the failure of so many relationships. In this study I found that people who believe the unrealistic portrayals on TV are actually less committed to their spouses and think their alternatives to their spouse are relatively attractive. ? My hope would be that people would read this article and take a look at their own relationships and the relationships of those around them. How realistic are your expectations for your partner and where did those expectations come from?
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Osborn's study was confined to television, but I think it's not just small-screen romances and relationships that impact our views of our partners and how we relate to them. It's what we see on the big screen, too.
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Take, for example, Mindy from Fox's The Mindy Project. This sitcom protagonist was pretty much weaned on a diet of romcoms, and she believes that she'll know true love when it feels like something out of When Harry Met Sally. So when she gets stuck in an elevator with a charming doctor?a chance meeting complete with spilled papers and flips of the hair and background music (nothing says romance like Muzak), she figures the guy is destined to be her one and only. Alas, reality gets in the way, and the guy winds up getting hitched to someone else. Which leaves Mindy to wonder: Just who's directing this thing, anyway? Doesn't the cosmos understand how relationships work?
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OK, perhaps it's not best to prove that movies and television affect how we think by using an illustration from a television show. But just look at our own lives. Or, failing that, look at mine.
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I studied kissing techniques from television (eyes closed, hands on the cheek) way before I ever planted my first smooch on anyone. Movies told me how love should feel way before I felt it for myself. Throughout high school, I gauged girlfriends by how likely I'd be to stand in their front yard and play Peter Gabriel's "Your Eyes" from a boom box. We're not born knowing how this stuff works, after all. And as we grow, we glean as much information as we can from whatever resources are available. Movies and television have long been a primary teacher in the area of amore. I think it's a rare person indeed who didn't take some cues right from the screen.
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In retrospect, I was pretty lucky to have some other teachers, too. My parents have been married nearly 50 years, and they showed me firsthand that a successful marriage involves more than passionate kisses and dramatic airport scenes. It's about patience and communication and developing mutual interests and, well, more patience.
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Honestly, my wife and I might've been a little too influenced by media depictions of romance when we first got together. Our first months and years together had some moments of high drama, and it wasn't long before we discovered that our marriage wasn't quite what our movies and television sets had told us to expect. But we've made it 22 years, and we've gotten to the point where it's impossible for us to imagine life without each other. It's not the sort of relationship found in the standard Katherine Heigl movie, perhaps, but it works pretty well.
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Every once in a while we might pop a romcom in the ol' DVD and watch Julia Roberts bat her eyelashes at Hugh Grant or something. And that's fine. I know my wife isn't exactly like Julia Roberts (she's prettier, for one thing), and she knows I'm nothing like Hugh Grant. Our relationship works, but it doesn't look much like theirs. (I'm prettier than him, too.)
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Because really, would Julia or Hugh, when watching a sweet romcom together, turn to each other and say, "Wouldn't you rather watch National Treasure?"
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